A Startling Victory for Dualism (June 28th, 2026)

Cambridge, Massachusetts – Researchers cooperating from major research universities and institutions from the United States and the rest of the world have stunned the world with an early release of the findings of Project Sapiens, a half-trillion dollar international undertaking to provide a full, multi-level understanding of the human brain and its cognitive processes – a detailed account of how simple low-level neuronal processes give rise to higher-level cognition, finally answering questions that have dogged scientists for decades.

“Everything’s in there,” Dr. Kirk Meier, MIT Professor of Neuroscience and ones of the leaders of the project, announced triumphantly. “Everything that’s been a mystery to us – free will, creativity, even ESP. We can now finally claim a full understanding of our brains. The work of neuroscience is essentially done.”

Dualist organizations from around the United States, despite previously having been staunchly opposed to Project Sapiens, also joined in on the celebration, albeit for different reasons. Allegedly, members of the American Non-Materialist Society of Neuroscientists (ANMSN) had thoroughly reviewed the abstract and also glanced over several paragraphs, noting primarily that “nowhere in there is there any mention of a physical soul,” thus establishing a scientific basis for dualism.

“This is a great day for us,” ANMSN spokesperson John Beech said in a televised statement. “Our position has always been at odds with the lame-stream scientific community, but looks like they’ve proved themselves wrong. Researchers combed the human brain but were in fact unable to find any sort of soul. Since we all know souls exist and people have them, this leads to the unarguable conclusion that the soul must exist as an abstract God-like entity outside of the brain.”

Looks like the ancient Egyptians had it right all along – the brain really is just for cooling blood! However, centuries of scientific thought seemed to just bring human understanding further from the truth, a rare but not unheard-of trend (take, for example, the theory of evolution, which temporarily displaced the Biblical account of God’s creation of the Earth in some corners of the scientific community for a couple of centuries, until being thoroughly rejected around the United States. In case you haven’t heard of “evolution,” it’s a fringe theory still taught in some private schools in California and Massachusetts which basically says humans are monkeys).

Beech continued with the Black Swan example of falsification, emphasizing, “this is really a case where you can say that all swans are white. You looked at the whole brain, and you found no material soul. The theory of dualism remains unchallenged.” Beech’s use of this example is surprising, as it originates from the unique and twisted thought processes of materialist neuroscience, processes often dubbed “deductive reasoning” and “the scientific method.” Beech’s use of the Black Swan analogy was a rare moment of solidarity between the two communities, and a clear indication of grace in victory.

President Bachmann, anticipating sweeping victories for her party in the upcoming midterms, issued a statement: “I find it interesting that it was back in the 1980s that dualism was proved then under another Republican president, Ronald Reagan. And I’m not taking credit, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”

(This article is intended as humor. It may not be funny, but it at least isn’t true)


2 Responses to A Startling Victory for Dualism (June 28th, 2026)

  1. Love this! And I disagree – it’s very funny.

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